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I have much to write about in regards to my month long trip in China/Hong Kong, and I have been taking an absurd amount of notes that I can compile into something great for you, but I came across this quotation on the cover of an interior design/architecture mag whilst browsing in a book store, and I thought I’d share it with you in the meantime.
Please enjoy.
| If poetry is about love | |
| and art is about love | |
| and theatre is about love | |
| and if opera is about love… | |
| why do we think design is about… | |
| functionality? | |
|
~Marcel Wanders |
I had been hoping to not write sad things upon this blog, but I suppose I wouldn’t be honouring this place if I didn’t release what is on my mind. This is supposed to be a place for de-cluttering after all. I will keep this brief…I am exhausted.
I had a rather strange childhood. I was overprotected, and was groomed to be the “perfect” heir. At least my family attempted to groom me. Learning my multiple tables at 3 years old…geography and handwriting around the same age…grade 10 biology and physics in grade 7. I was born Canadian but didn’t speak English properly until I was nearly ten due to my extremely Chinese upbringing. I went through extreme anxiety and depression through my teen years. One would say that my life was rather dysfunctional.
But as I sit here tonight, bloated from a binge that involved everything that goes against being vegan, stuck with heat patches upon my back and suffering from a headache from mentioned backache (which by the way is the result of a recent car accident that I may not be covered for by insurance due to a mistake on the Ministry of Transportation that I cannot find proof for), listening to my sister screech into her phone with her boyfriend at 2:30am in a room that she is sharing with my little brother, and reminiscing on the day’s events of already sad happenings…I think I can see no more perfect image of Dysfunction.
How can I heal the hopelessness that I feel right now outside of perhaps jumping off a cliff? I find it extremely worrisome that I am deliberating over thoughts of taking my own life in this calculating manner. I will not deny that I have had problems with suicide in the past; but they have often stemmed from places of anxiety where I had little rational thought. This is coming from a thoughtful place, and that is dangerous. And then I feel ashamed to feel this way, because I had hoped that I had moved beyond this state of being in the last two years of self growth and recovery. Can I find the strength to seek help again? Or will I feel too weak in feeling like I’m taking two steps backward?
Yes, some things are out of my control like my sister’s actions, my parents actions for choosing her over me…and I suppose I would take control of what I have, like moving out if but temporarily. But moving out does not soothe the ache that I feel emotionally. It merely takes me away from what is already there. Moving out will not change the fact my sister sees me as nothing but a villain and bitch who is ruining her life because I don’t always let her have her way. Moving out will not change the fact that my parents give me no compassion for my car accident, and rather continue to foster the guilt that I already feel. Moving out will not change that my parents will support my sister over me. Perhaps I am being petty and selfish. But I don’t believe that I can feel so terrible whilst being selfish at the same time. I would think that I would feel angrier, more bitter and hateful if I felt selfish. Instead I feel drained, hopeless and resigned.
I do not ask for pity. I may desire some compassion. Some may see this blog entry as a call to attention. Or maybe I just want to be able to share myself to some place in this cyberspace. Sometimes people do that when they feel lonely.
I am so amazed by the people who go through a worse life, and pull out of it. It’s a strength I truly admire and cannot even fathom at this moment in time. I can only go day by day at this moment, and when I sleep hope that I will awake to fight another day. A fight to stay alive.
I suppose this blog would be incomplete if I didn’t write a “First Post!” style entry, right?
I debated whether to unleash my resume/profile/introduction in this post, and I don’t think I will. I think my future blogging will reveal what kind of person I am and what I do…
Who am I kidding? I can never resist a change to introduce myself – this is my personal ego talking. I promise to not bore you too much and keep it as pithy as possible.
Ahem.
My name is Miroki. I am an actor, but I prefer to say more often an artist, because I do not like feeling limited by the title of “actor” alone. I find the entire artistic world extremely stimulating and I always seek to explore every avenue that it offers to me. And I realized that I want to share this exploration with you.
Do you see where the title Jack of All Trades (or my self-titled Jacques of Trades) comes from? No matter what diplomas I get, what certificates I get, I always seem to find something new to “excel” in. So far, I am not starving, so I will continue to explore until the day realism kicks in and forces me to get a 9-5 job, or until I figure out what exactly I want to do with my life.
Until then, please enjoy the journey with me.
