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I feel really ashamed to say that I missed writing an entry last week.
The hardest thing about transforming my entire life, physically, career wise, and mentally is that oftentimes I get stuck with only one focus for a period of time while sacrificing other aspects.
My mind has been fried these past two weeks. I also have been having stressful dreams every night, which left me tired and grumpy. Reaching that fantastic PMS time of the month as well was the cherry on the proverbial cake.
The strangest thing is that I do not feel that stressed when I am awake. I move from task to task to task with the same energy and dedication that I always do without feeling frazzled. My mind was constantly whirring, but not until last Friday night did I feel overwhelmed. Only in my sleep did the stress make itself apparent. And in my skin…I broke out in pimples that I could not merely blame on my hormones.
Running out of funny faces to make!
In terms of accomplishments, I feel like I’ve done a lot. I have been attending a good number of auditions, meeting with many colleagues and friends and I’m always on the go. But what I need to learn is how to value my rest time better. At the end of this week, I am feeling rather drained. I don’t think it would have been that bad if I had decent sleep…but no decent sleep means an unhappy worker. The reason for poor sleep is stress (whether I was aware of it during my waking hours or not). And stress is because I had been overworking. The solution? I need to schedule a little time off for myself. That does not mean sit around at home all day, but it means at least I’m not out of the house at 7am and back in it at midnight every single day. The last time I tried to do a whole day of nothing, I actually ended up feeling restless all day…I do not mind spending one day doing some exercise and writing. So, still active, but to my terms.
A few weeks back, I mentioned that I was going through a change that I didn’t want to mention yet because people close to me did not know. I handed in my notice to the health food store I was working at and I officially finish this coming week. I had been there for a year and have bonded with many people, and learned so much. It has been a hard decision and even harder to part with everyone. But I had become distracted from my career as a performer, and now is the time to return.
I will struggle a bit financially (and I feel embarrassed when I say this because I have always been one who was self reliant), I will make it through. I’ve been auditioning a minimum of two times a week, which is pretty good considering my busy work schedule, and I also recently did my first paid film gig. In the land of small films, indie films and student films, I’m rather proud. Sometimes we just need those small justifications to keep us going. I have been keeping a log of what I have been up to, and I have been up to a lot. I had merely forgotten in my exhaustion. Sometimes, we just need to sit down and write down the history of our work in order to recognize our accomplishments, instead of writing lists of what needs to be done. Then, we can appreciate all that we have done, and learn to respect ourselves more.
Speaking of logs, I did my monthly check in on my scale. As I said earlier, my bloating from PMS symptoms had left me feeling rather desolate about my physique in the last week or two. But my scale changed my perspective. I have dropped a whopping 5% in the last month! FIVE! That’s monumental considering that I had been struggling nonstop to drop 1-2% for the last 7 months…and oftentimes is it more to fight the gain. I am very excited and inspired by the results of my work, and it pushes me to keep going. Sometimes it’s not about the physique; it’s about the health. I need to remember that the changes I want to make over these 90 days is about my lifestyle. And that should be vital enough.
Previous articles on my 90 Days:
Do...NOT...eat...!
As this week draws on, I’m scared that I won’t look much smaller by the time Thursday rolls around. This past week has been extremely busy with nonstop auditions and film shoots. Heck, I even ended up booking a back to back shoot on Saturday the night before. I spent the morning in the freezing cold, and then whisked off to another shoot immediately. I booked some auditions so fast this weekend, I would receive the call to go immediately to the audition and wing it.
Last week I spoke about stress. There is nothing that can mess up a healthy body and mind faster than stress. On Friday, after a long and grueling rehearsal, I was up until 3am in the morning trying to redye my hair back to black. I nearly had an anxiety attack as the dye stained my hand and refused to come off regardless of alcohol or even acetone. I had to shoot in the morning. All thoughts of health went down the drain as I dove into cheese, cookies and take out Chinese. It was as if the amount of nervous energy that was pent up in my body needed an outlet, and the outlet was to use my hands to pick food and my mouth to eat it. Coupled with an exhausted mind, no willpower was left. Moreover, an exhausted mind usually functions on autopilot, which does not help when there is finger food like a box like cookies.
And did I mention that stress makes our body retain fat as well?
Add the following days. I was constantly tired from the driving around, waking early, sleeping late, and the fast, fast pace of the day. All the symptoms of a tired mind translated and multiplied when it came to food. Despite packing my own healthy food, I could not resist the box of cheap chocolate bars and Chinese food available at the film shoot. I was also often starving at the end of the day since I had little time to eat, and would gorge myself.
I think the most upsetting part of this journey is that I have take responsibility for what I did. As someone who preaches a lot about healthy eating, I really don’t want to take ownership for my failure (and who does…really?). But I this is how I can move forward. By accepting that I do cave into poor eating habits when stressed will help me become more aware of myself, and try to find alternative ways of alleviating that stress.
We all have to be honest with ourselves when something is not working out. Whether it be a relationship, becoming healthy, career success…everything in life is our responsibility. I don’t think enough of us take responsibility for our actions. Most of the times it’s unintentional – we are not aware of what we have done, or in my case, I don’t like the idea so I reject it completely. I often hear externalization and victimization, instead of acknowledging the problem and empowering themselves to move forward. “I can’t help it. I want chocolate. I’m stressed out.” The fact is, I can help it. In the end, we always have a choice. And whatever choice we make is something we need to take responsibility for. Yes. I am stressed/tired. Yes, the cookies look much more appealing. But no, I don’t need to take the cookies despite all cravings. I could drink tea instead. My body doesn’t need the cookies. Unless I literally had not eating all day, not eating cookies will not kill me.
And if I do end up eating the cookie. I need to accept it and move on. Take responsibility and remember for next time. There is no point crying over the spilled milk, unless I felt like throwing up the food, and we all know the issues with that. I think taking responsibility will make us less self destructive in the long run, because we take that sting of the failure and move strategically to something better. There is no denying that we get upset, but to mull over it and fall into destructive habits is painful and blinds us from the new opportunities. When we don’t recognize the opportunity to change, we just keep eating the cookies. And keep feeding the self loathing.
Not doing too badly...
And taking responsibility also means setting the right priorities. Knowing that I’m working hard all day means that I am going to hit the sack earlier. This is a difficult commitment for me because I used to believe that if I slept more than 4-5 hours a night, that I am lazy. When I read bios of inspiring people in magazines, I often read things like “She’s a go getter, living off only 4 hours a night…etc. etc.”, and I feel as if I am not going to amount to them unless I do the same. But perhaps she is in top health. Or perhaps her day is not as fast paced…or perhaps the magazine does not mention the 2 week holiday she takes every few months. Or…perhaps they do not mention that she’s always feeling sluggish and tired. I cannot create my path based on the image of others. I can only create my own image. And my image right now needs a solid night’s sleep. After my digestive health issues last year, I need more rest, and I will honour that. Missing a night out drinking or a party will not destroy my relationships. This applies to those in university right now (and I am saying this because I have sisters in university right now and I just had a similar interaction with them on the weekend). If your peers respect you, then they will respect that you want to stay in and study. Set your priorities, and set them right.
Now down to the physical. My body is definitely trimmed some by Week 3. Still much more to go…I still feel those rolls when I sit down, and can grab my love handles, but looking at my pictures from Week 1, I think I’ve coming along just fine. I never really relied on pictures before, but they really are helpful over just trying to use my memory. It also provides the inspiration to move forward.
Past Weeks
A week flies by so fast! I am already taking my week 3 photos this Thursday and I don’t even have my week 2 photos up yet! And so without due, I am rapidly putting them up to show you the comparison.
The changes are more obvious in the actual photo…but as you have read in my previous post, I’m a little too self conscious to show myself running around in my birthday suit. I certainly have less fluff around my middle in week 2, although I wonder if it’s because I’m less bloated. During week 1, I was enjoying that special time of the month that is reserved for females only, which turned me into a bit of a balloon. Not to say that I’m not losing fat, but I think it will become more apparent over the following weeks (I hope!).
Ack! Eek!
The thing I am struggling with the most right now is seeing only little changes every week. I realize that as I get older, the faster I want to lose weight. When I first started trimming down in my youth after a year of depression, even doing competitive martial arts it took 3 months to drop about 15-20 pounds. Now, I expect myself to drop 10 in less than a month, which is ridiculous in some sense unless I train 8 hours a day. It probably contributed to why my weight yoyoed so much over the past year. I would restrict my diet to ridiculous standards and exercise a ton, and then the moment I treated myself, it was like “BLAM!” binge binge binge cause the body was screeching at me. If I had to be dead honest with myself, I might have been bordering on bulimia…and that is an awareness of myself that I am devastated to admit.
I always prided myself on my strength, and how fit I was…and my weight gain last year made me feel ashamed, because how can I possibly prove that I am a fit and strong woman when I looked like a couch potato? I also attach many stigmas to how I look when I’m overweight (“Oh, of course she’s a geek/nerd, look how fat she is” or “Fat Asian girl=super unattractive”), which is awful because these thoughts are clearly products of media and society’s pressure. Nobody should ever feel that way. I always preach against it, and yet I made myself a victim of it.
So a shoutout to everyone who is reading: It’s super hard, I know, but NEVER judge yourself based on how you want social norms to see you. Change if you…YOU…are truly unhappy with something, but not because you feel unhappy because of how SOMEONE ELSE sees you.
I am currently making the effort to change because I want to feel healthier, and because I personally want to return to a level of fitness that I used to represent. I also want to train my body to eat when I actually need to eat, and not pig out just because I am stressed or because I like the food. I am still battling the “outside voice”, and I know it will always be present in my life especially given the industry I work in, but I try not to make it the prominent reason why I want to become trimmer. As I roughly paraphrase Geneen Roth (and she’s brilliant!), losing weight will not solve life’s problems.
Speaking of stress, it seems like I cannot make a transformation in my career without suddenly making myself ten trillion times busier! Upping the number of auditions I get, the number of places I volunteer at, the number of networking events I attend, the number of one-on-one meetings I set up. Suddenly, I can’t get my ideal 8 hours of sleep…I am not eating on time, and I am on the go go go.
I still practice mindfulness as I go through the day, and other things like yoga…but enter supplements! Almost every supplement I take is some sort of brain booster or stress reliever…adrenal drops, magnesium, B-complex vitamins, liver care…to name a few. When my body and brain is going through so much, it needs the extra help. Regardless of how healthy I eat, stress depletes many of the major nutrients in the body. My sister is concerned that I should not be relying on supplementation to manage my stress, and should cut back and dedicate more time to rest.
The struggle is choosing how to balance out my life. Do I want to work less, and therefore slow my career growth in favour of resting more to manage my stress…or do I want to work hard and have external aid (aka supplements) to manage my stress. Either way, the end result is about the same, my body achieves a stable state. Obviously, there are many more factors, but I’ve broken down the bare bones. What do you think?
Sooo…I’m a little behind this week on putting up my weekly pictures (it’s been crazy busy)! But I promise to by tomorrow!
In the meantime, a friend of mine has asked me to share her article on my blog, which I will happily do!
Taking “Occupy Wall Street Protest” and uniquely combining the classic play, Mart/Sade (1963), Glendon Theatre has created the production “Move(me).ant”. The play daringly addresses the unjust policies implemented in today’s society. History is being created, as this is the first production being live-streamed. Video cameras and cell phones are brought into rehearsals capturing the process. Mini videos and photos are then uploaded on to social media sites, along with youtube, and the show’s own website: (http://199.66.238.56/user/occupytg).
Chatrooms and blogs are used daily to spread awareness on the issue of the World’s current economic state. Why is it 99% of workers in North America are earning just enough to get by? Does the 1% “upper-class” appreciate what they have? How much do they contribute to helping those in need? Multiple disadvantaged individuals inhabit society. Multiple ways to spread wealth equally co-exists. This performance intends to shift power structures, which hold aristocracy on their pedestals.
Audience members are in for a ride! This performance utilizes Brechtian epic theatre techniques tackling controversy.
Live singers and band instruments change the pace of the scenes. The audience must stay on their toes. Attention is demanded from them, as they become part of the show themselves! Not only does the cast address the audience; these members may be a part of the cast themselves.
Sleeping through the play will not be possible here! You must access Twitter and tweet your thoughts during the show! The cast will too. Be honest. Tweets will be posted on screens around the around the theatre. The performance will also be filmed and live streamed globally. The production literally is a movement! Be sure to get in on the action.
What is your response to 2012th inequality?
Performances will happen at Theatre Glendon, 2275 Bayview Avenue. 7pm, Feb.28th-March 3rd. $5 for students, $10 regular tickets.
Written by Kathy
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503333933#!/OccupyTheatreGlendon
Twitter: Move.(me).ant: Occupy Theatre Glendon
JoT - The Bric-a-Bracs of a "Jacques of Trades" 