As this week draws on, I’m scared that I won’t look much smaller by the time Thursday rolls around. This past week has been extremely busy with nonstop auditions and film shoots. Heck, I even ended up booking a back to back shoot on Saturday the night before. I spent the morning in the freezing cold, and then whisked off to another shoot immediately. I booked some auditions so fast this weekend, I would receive the call to go immediately to the audition and wing it.
Last week I spoke about stress. There is nothing that can mess up a healthy body and mind faster than stress. On Friday, after a long and grueling rehearsal, I was up until 3am in the morning trying to redye my hair back to black. I nearly had an anxiety attack as the dye stained my hand and refused to come off regardless of alcohol or even acetone. I had to shoot in the morning. All thoughts of health went down the drain as I dove into cheese, cookies and take out Chinese. It was as if the amount of nervous energy that was pent up in my body needed an outlet, and the outlet was to use my hands to pick food and my mouth to eat it. Coupled with an exhausted mind, no willpower was left. Moreover, an exhausted mind usually functions on autopilot, which does not help when there is finger food like a box like cookies.
And did I mention that stress makes our body retain fat as well?
Add the following days. I was constantly tired from the driving around, waking early, sleeping late, and the fast, fast pace of the day. All the symptoms of a tired mind translated and multiplied when it came to food. Despite packing my own healthy food, I could not resist the box of cheap chocolate bars and Chinese food available at the film shoot. I was also often starving at the end of the day since I had little time to eat, and would gorge myself.
I think the most upsetting part of this journey is that I have take responsibility for what I did. As someone who preaches a lot about healthy eating, I really don’t want to take ownership for my failure (and who does…really?). But I this is how I can move forward. By accepting that I do cave into poor eating habits when stressed will help me become more aware of myself, and try to find alternative ways of alleviating that stress.
We all have to be honest with ourselves when something is not working out. Whether it be a relationship, becoming healthy, career success…everything in life is our responsibility. I don’t think enough of us take responsibility for our actions. Most of the times it’s unintentional – we are not aware of what we have done, or in my case, I don’t like the idea so I reject it completely. I often hear externalization and victimization, instead of acknowledging the problem and empowering themselves to move forward. “I can’t help it. I want chocolate. I’m stressed out.” The fact is, I can help it. In the end, we always have a choice. And whatever choice we make is something we need to take responsibility for. Yes. I am stressed/tired. Yes, the cookies look much more appealing. But no, I don’t need to take the cookies despite all cravings. I could drink tea instead. My body doesn’t need the cookies. Unless I literally had not eating all day, not eating cookies will not kill me.
And if I do end up eating the cookie. I need to accept it and move on. Take responsibility and remember for next time. There is no point crying over the spilled milk, unless I felt like throwing up the food, and we all know the issues with that. I think taking responsibility will make us less self destructive in the long run, because we take that sting of the failure and move strategically to something better. There is no denying that we get upset, but to mull over it and fall into destructive habits is painful and blinds us from the new opportunities. When we don’t recognize the opportunity to change, we just keep eating the cookies. And keep feeding the self loathing.
And taking responsibility also means setting the right priorities. Knowing that I’m working hard all day means that I am going to hit the sack earlier. This is a difficult commitment for me because I used to believe that if I slept more than 4-5 hours a night, that I am lazy. When I read bios of inspiring people in magazines, I often read things like “She’s a go getter, living off only 4 hours a night…etc. etc.”, and I feel as if I am not going to amount to them unless I do the same. But perhaps she is in top health. Or perhaps her day is not as fast paced…or perhaps the magazine does not mention the 2 week holiday she takes every few months. Or…perhaps they do not mention that she’s always feeling sluggish and tired. I cannot create my path based on the image of others. I can only create my own image. And my image right now needs a solid night’s sleep. After my digestive health issues last year, I need more rest, and I will honour that. Missing a night out drinking or a party will not destroy my relationships. This applies to those in university right now (and I am saying this because I have sisters in university right now and I just had a similar interaction with them on the weekend). If your peers respect you, then they will respect that you want to stay in and study. Set your priorities, and set them right.
Now down to the physical. My body is definitely trimmed some by Week 3. Still much more to go…I still feel those rolls when I sit down, and can grab my love handles, but looking at my pictures from Week 1, I think I’ve coming along just fine. I never really relied on pictures before, but they really are helpful over just trying to use my memory. It also provides the inspiration to move forward.