Trying to maintain a form of grace amidst the pains

Keeping regular updates are extremely difficult when I’m on tour…working 17 hour days. And then the brief two or three days I have off are filled with circus training, other work and attempts to rest. Therefore, now that I have been graced with a PlayBook…and finally figured out how to use it in a semi workable fashion, I am undergoing the challenge of updating in between dances at my emcee work. You heard me, I am doing crazy multitasking. As if I am not making things tough enough for myself already… Result? I already threw numerous tantrums over the past weeks.

Part of me wants to put the last couple weeks of my 90 day challenge on hold until I finish this gig…because my physical body, if nothing else (and there are obviously other things) is being affected despite my best efforts. I sit on my bum for hours on end, don’t eat my regular diet, don’t sleep enough, and I am stressed stressed stressed! I look in the mirror, and I feel ashamed. I feel frightened that my body will revert back to its old shape, having once been so comfortable in it, just like all other times. Working on the idea of acceptance is much harder amidst the slim and toned figures of dancers and also my circus colleagues. What has helped me make it easier, is knowing that everyone has something they are self conscious of. Furthermore, in the words of a colleague and friend, nothing is more beautiful than seeing the confidence of a larger girl rock them short shorts on the stage of this dance competition. That power is one in a million, and declares all bodies are beautiful when they are respected and cared for, and can dance with the presence of a goddess.

But as someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, and used to communicating about all emotions and issues, I have been feeling smothered by this current set of situations. My work environment is tough, my relationships are tough, my circus is tough, and finally, finding the strength and staying present despite it all is tough. Devastatingly, I already have fallen below the line and acted like a raging tween in moments of weakness. Funnily, I then got more upset because I knew how immature it was, and that others witnessed it (“I am NEVER like this!!!” I exclaimed in rage to a fellow colleague after a cry, “I’m usually the blunt one! I’m the leader! $?@#!!!”), further perpetrating my public demise.

Body rebelling a bit here…but it’s from the mind

Damage done, I can only leave those pieces behind like discarded snake skin, and move on. What I realize, and I encourage you all to hear me, that no amount of words will ever fix what has happened. In fact, it often comes off like excuses, or a crutch. Last thing anyone wants to be considered as, is one who “talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. ”

It’s a challenge. Many of us, and certainly I, are victims of the spotlight effect, where we think everyone is laughing at us behind our backs, judging our unwashed hair, or strategically leaving us out of activities. Oftentimes, they are merely fictions of our own mind. And if not, do we frankly want a fulfilling relationship with them anyway? Easier said than done, but from my same colleague with whom I’m working, we need to learn sometimes to put that temporary wall up to protect ourselves, and brush off our own personal issues. It is the ultimate demonstration of our professionalism. And also from her, “believe only half of what you see, and none of what you hear.” Brilliant words.

Not to say it is simple. Even she has had really huge moments of struggle, and I have seen her tough times, but in offering words of advice, it helps us to remember those practices ourselves.

I cannot undo what I have done, but in the practice of acceptance, I will not continue to mope over it. Carrying the burden will only lead to a bleaker future. In the practice of being present, I will stop creating stories, and focus on my own self and my duties versus a reflection of myself through reading everyone else around me. I remember my qualifications, my talent, my strength. If people do not believe me (either from my past or, sadly, because they are judgmental and demeaning), I will demonstrate it. I will show that I am better than my demons, and also can change for the better. Actions are more powerful than a thousand empty words, no matter how well meaning. Let the world see that I can stand taller despite my past, despite my priors, and that I am definitely someone people should keep an eye out for. There will be a spotlight on me, but this time it is on my terms, and I will welcome it.

Last 90 Day Transformation Entry