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Trying to maintain a form of grace amidst the pains
Keeping regular updates are extremely difficult when I’m on tour…working 17 hour days. And then the brief two or three days I have off are filled with circus training, other work and attempts to rest. Therefore, now that I have been graced with a PlayBook…and finally figured out how to use it in a semi workable fashion, I am undergoing the challenge of updating in between dances at my emcee work. You heard me, I am doing crazy multitasking. As if I am not making things tough enough for myself already… Result? I already threw numerous tantrums over the past weeks.
Part of me wants to put the last couple weeks of my 90 day challenge on hold until I finish this gig…because my physical body, if nothing else (and there are obviously other things) is being affected despite my best efforts. I sit on my bum for hours on end, don’t eat my regular diet, don’t sleep enough, and I am stressed stressed stressed! I look in the mirror, and I feel ashamed. I feel frightened that my body will revert back to its old shape, having once been so comfortable in it, just like all other times. Working on the idea of acceptance is much harder amidst the slim and toned figures of dancers and also my circus colleagues. What has helped me make it easier, is knowing that everyone has something they are self conscious of. Furthermore, in the words of a colleague and friend, nothing is more beautiful than seeing the confidence of a larger girl rock them short shorts on the stage of this dance competition. That power is one in a million, and declares all bodies are beautiful when they are respected and cared for, and can dance with the presence of a goddess.
But as someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, and used to communicating about all emotions and issues, I have been feeling smothered by this current set of situations. My work environment is tough, my relationships are tough, my circus is tough, and finally, finding the strength and staying present despite it all is tough. Devastatingly, I already have fallen below the line and acted like a raging tween in moments of weakness. Funnily, I then got more upset because I knew how immature it was, and that others witnessed it (“I am NEVER like this!!!” I exclaimed in rage to a fellow colleague after a cry, “I’m usually the blunt one! I’m the leader! $?@#!!!”), further perpetrating my public demise.
Body rebelling a bit here…but it’s from the mind
Damage done, I can only leave those pieces behind like discarded snake skin, and move on. What I realize, and I encourage you all to hear me, that no amount of words will ever fix what has happened. In fact, it often comes off like excuses, or a crutch. Last thing anyone wants to be considered as, is one who “talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. ”
It’s a challenge. Many of us, and certainly I, are victims of the spotlight effect, where we think everyone is laughing at us behind our backs, judging our unwashed hair, or strategically leaving us out of activities. Oftentimes, they are merely fictions of our own mind. And if not, do we frankly want a fulfilling relationship with them anyway? Easier said than done, but from my same colleague with whom I’m working, we need to learn sometimes to put that temporary wall up to protect ourselves, and brush off our own personal issues. It is the ultimate demonstration of our professionalism. And also from her, “believe only half of what you see, and none of what you hear.” Brilliant words.
Not to say it is simple. Even she has had really huge moments of struggle, and I have seen her tough times, but in offering words of advice, it helps us to remember those practices ourselves.
I cannot undo what I have done, but in the practice of acceptance, I will not continue to mope over it. Carrying the burden will only lead to a bleaker future. In the practice of being present, I will stop creating stories, and focus on my own self and my duties versus a reflection of myself through reading everyone else around me. I remember my qualifications, my talent, my strength. If people do not believe me (either from my past or, sadly, because they are judgmental and demeaning), I will demonstrate it. I will show that I am better than my demons, and also can change for the better. Actions are more powerful than a thousand empty words, no matter how well meaning. Let the world see that I can stand taller despite my past, despite my priors, and that I am definitely someone people should keep an eye out for. There will be a spotlight on me, but this time it is on my terms, and I will welcome it.
Last 90 Day Transformation Entry
It was a rainy and cold day, I wasn’t well dressed and was wimping about in the weather. However, that did not deter the large numbers of people that showed up in Wellesley for its great Apple Butter and Cheese Festival. In my last post, I was raving about the local treasures that the Waterloo region has; this festival is one of them.
The tractor ride to the Cider Mill
Only 15 minutes away from Waterloo, this festival comes once a year to share apple goodness with people. Fritters, dumplings, pies, fresh, with toffee, candied, jellied and of course as a butter and cider… the possibilities made with one of K-W’s greatest bounties are endless. And we cannot forget the morning pancakes and German specialties such as schnitzel roasting happily to warm the tummies of the chilled patrons.
In the afternoon, I managed to battle my way to some of the top attractions. No trip to Wellesley is completely without seeing its cider mill. We journeyed there in the back of a tractor, a novelty in itself. Nearly 100 years old, this sucker works the old fashioned way and people prefer it that way. Thousands of pounds of apples go through its press to create delicious cider. It’s an amazing process, really. Free cider samples weren’t shabby either.
Each box contains 800 lbs of apples!
Becka and I had the perfect vantage point on the tractor trailer as the antique car and tractors paraded by at noon. Shown as part of the festival, it is the best time to relive the good ol’ days and classic action films through these vehicles. One can see the dreams of the antique car designers when they created the machine, their visions of the future car apparent in their creations.
One must never forget the marketplace, which took place outside and inside the Wellesley Arena. People gathered from all over to check out local and distant artisans of both crafts and food. Here are some of the people I visited.
Nudge Nudge Fudge – Nudge nudge…here’s the fudge! A cute logo and very tasty looking fudge in an array of sizes. They ensure their products are nut free (although not vegan yet), and they introduce clever flavours depending on the season. I bought their pumpkin fudge for Thanksgiving. 🙂
Truly Canadian Eh? – (trulycanadianeh@gmail.com) Not only do their company name boasts Canadian heritage, but they make the most awesome cars, trucks and airplanes from beer and pop cans. It’s absolutely fabulous and the details are unbelievable. It’s a must have for any toy collector or child (the edges are all rounded).
Accents – (accents@idirect.ca) They don’t really create their works, but they bring in some very snazzy pieces at great prices!
idea garden creative – (jf_beckner@yahoo.ca) One of two ceramic artists, these guys specialize in lovely Celtic creations. For any fantasy lover.
Carol’s Pottery & Crafts – A set of very solid pottery from this artist. They had a very interesting French butter dish that I bought for my mother (yet to try). You put the butter in the “lid” and flip it upside down into the container, which has an inch of water. People have sworn this is the best way to store butter for hundreds of years. How fascinating. But outside of that, they have great traditional pottery.
All Pine Woodcraft – Nothing like some beautiful, rustic wooden furniture. This man has great prices for great pieces. Not just typical furniture though. You can get the best set of desk drawers or mini cabinets that you can help to organize corners of your room from that scattered jewelry. I can’t wait to order something.
Antique car show
We did not get our curly fries, having been sold out by the time we decided to indulge, but the home-style fries were pretty awesome. There was also an award winning cheese team from Thornlea of which I cannot remember the name. If I find out, I will update this post, since the cheese I gave to my friend as a present had her swooning.
We battled rain and chills all day. I will do it again, and again. What a great day. What atmosphere and what attractions. Even the drive out there opened the doors into land that I have not seen in my own backyard.
That awesome little nameless band playing outside their house.
I am strangely awake on this late Monday night, despite many nights of no sleep, so I will take advantage of this opportunity to tackle many unfinished tasks, and also write my ramble on MT Space’s Last 15 Seconds while it’s still reasonably fresh.
This is my second experience of this performance, not including witnessing their workshops and rehearsals, and it has been a journey. I think there is nothing more fascinating than watching the progression of a production, noticing its changes and engaging in the conversation of the choices made. Some notable changes this time is the great new stage painting that reflects the video effects and also adds depth to the space. Changes that I noticed most in the performance itself is the slowing down of many movements. Whether that increases the punch of the particular actions, that’s up the audience I suppose.
What is amazing (or depressing), is that 2 years since its conception, and a decade since 9/11, that this work is still relevant in our society and world. In all art, we worry about the day our pieces become obsolete, and then we seek to create new work. That Last 15 Seconds continues to speak to the politics/economy/society of today’s audience is valuable, even if we as humans desire for it not to be the case.
"Last 15 Seconds" - The MT Space
I am told that many middle-eastern audience men often approach Trevor Copp post performance to tell him how much they understood his character, and how they connected with him. In fact, I’m certain my sister’s boyfriend was one such audience member. I guess my question is…why? Is Trevor not playing Rawad Abed the suicide bomber? Yes, the show seeks to present both sides of the story, the killer and the killed, but do we truly want to make it neutral? Can we even make it neutral? Do we want to eliminate the intrinsically “evilness” of his final deed? Of course, some may argue this point, which is fair enough. Personally, I’m always against any form of what I seem total warfare, which I define as war that involves the deliberate inclusion of innocents or bystanders (yes, the atom bomb counts). Back to the points…Are we trying to justify Rawad in any way? Is that our right?
The story, themes and cultural issues presented by The Last 15 Seconds is of an extremely sensitive nature, and ultimate kudos to them for being able to present as successfully as they have been doing for the last 2 years. One particular aspect that works so well for me is the overlap of the cast as the families of both Filmmaker Mustapha Akkad and Bomber Raward Abed. For me, it symbolizes the connections between all of us as humans, whether it is between cultures, countries, and so on. And how do we feel when our family dies?
Last 15 Seconds closed tonight at the Magnetic North Theatre Festival, but there will be tours coming in the future. So stay tuned.
The entire drive home from my friend’s house I could not get those terrifying images out of my head. Still two more hours later I am binging on (vegan still) junk food, and watching countless TV to try and soften my brain enough to go to bed. I still can’t.
I had been hoping to write about Catalyst Theatre’s Frankenstein first, which I saw yesterday, but unless I write this first I think I’m incapable of writing anything.
World War II movies devastate me. I cannot watch violence as it stands, but to watch something that I know truly happened absolutely kills me. I chose to watch The Pianist not only because I have heard it was a great movie, but on some superficial level to see Adrien Brody’s acting, whom my best friend has raved about. Why it did not register that I was about to also watch something heartbreaking, terrifying, and soul sucking was nothing short of naivety. One small irony that I find slightly amusing is that during the Holocaust, the Nazis were creating the image of Jews as less than humans. Now years later, we watch the same events with the image of Nazis as less than human…ha…ha…
No fictional story I have ever read or seen has ever been able to create the agony of the Holocaust. I’ve read many torture stories, many stories of cruelty, but the Nazi terror is a historical event that has its place in history for a reason; I have yet to see it recreated.
I always thought myself to be a strong woman. I believed I would fight for my stand, protect my family. But when I watched the movie, and the way Nazis would raid homes at random, humiliate, torture and kill at random, I realized that my bravado means nothing. People gave each other up during these times…adults ignored children for their own lives… I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around this concept. Would I be brave enough to stand in the face of a loaded gun with so little resources of my own? Fight for my family that I know will likely die anyhow…a fool hero’s death? Deep inside, I hate myself to say that I probably would not step up as fast as I claim…
Even if I were to apply my most extreme justification that shooting creates distance between killer and victim, what a lot of Nazis did were nothing like the “mercy” of a shooting. (Warning: The following is a spoiler) In the movie, throwing the old man over the balcony off his wheelchair will be burned in my memory forever. I am personally very affected by any falling deaths…add that angle of throwing a man from his wheelchair simply because he could not stand? How powerful was the brainwashing that these men could have done this? They would not only have to be able to dehumanize Jews, but also be willing to feel no remorse in killing “animals”. My ethics cannot kill anything past insects, and I certainly cannot look at a human being and see an insect, no matter how “low” the being. I don’t understand. I can study the theories until I die, but I will never truly understand, lest I become one of them. In fact…when I was driving home tonight, I was stopped by police on the expressway ramp because they were doing ride and alcohol checks. I checked out fine and it was pleasant, but with the movie images still so vivid in my mind, my heart had started racing, and for a moment I believed that something awful would happen. It was a really alienating experience.
In the darkness of my home when I had walked in, I saw nothing but twisted faces. And then when I turned on the light, looking at all the items in my house, I truly understood the concept of taking privileges for granted. All the shoes, all the clothes…even the fact that we had a nice floor or organized kitchen. We need to look at these as nothing short of miracles.
Almost 6am now… 4 more hours…I don’t know what else to say. I think my brain is finally exhausted enough, or at least numbed enough by watching Numb3rs nonstop to perhaps end this mental onslaught for now. But I will never forget. How can we ever forget? We live in the future, and the past shapes the future. If we forget, how will we ever hope to change for the better?
It’s like the debate between Macs and PCs, Moksha Yoga versus Bikram. In Kitchener Waterloo, that’s the vibe I get at least, since they are the only two known hot yoga facilities. There are hardcore Moksha yogis, and hardcore Bikram yogis. Even I found myself touting Moksha’s horn and advising against Bikram based only on the stories of what I’ve heard from people who’d tried Bikram and preferred Moksha. When Bikram offered a free day of yoga for their anniversary, however, I was hard pressed not to say yes. Free yoga? Yes please. So I tried it. That was followed by purchasing their $30 for 30 days pass. C’mon, given how expensive yoga usually is? No way I’m passing it up.
So now, after some time has passed, maybe I can explore what these two style of hot yoga has to offer…
Bikram is known as the “originator” of hot yoga, founded by Bikram Choudhury. I figured as much since whenever I tell people I practice hot yoga, they often say “Oh, Bikram?” And then I have to correct them gently that I practice Moksha, and then attempt to explain to them the difference. Moksha was a series founded later on. The founder, Ted Grand, studied under Bikram himself. Both Bikram and Moksha have overlapping postures that the series utilizes, but they also have their own variations and the practices themselves cannot be more different, at least in my experiences at local studios.
Let’s talk about Moksha first, since I’m more familiar. In general, there are 40 asanas, or postures that we move through, although there are often deviations offered by teachers. There are also different types of Moksha classes – regular Moksha, Power Flows/Vinyasa, Yin, Ashtanga to name a few. All of them encompass parts of the Moksha series with a bit of jazz. We move through the poses slowly and with grace and purpose, finding stability in the mind and soul. I find Moksha a great place not just for the exercise, but also a time to become more grounded and present within myself. Yoga is about calming the mind, focusing on the breath, and having a harmonious lifestyle, and Moksha certainly fills that role.
Bikram? I find it all about the physical. I would call it “boot camp yoga”. My experience with Bikram is that it’s all about pushing to the limits in an attempt to eventually reach the full expression of an asana (eg. Floor bow pose – I’m told to keep kicking, reaching, reaching until one day I look like a teardrop). Every time I’ve gone, the sequence I do is exactly the same; in fact, I’ve watched fellow yogis already setting up for the next posture before it’s even announced. Each posture is done twice, and they are done fast and snappy. My teachers deliver their instructions like they would in an aerobics class – high energy, snappy, hands clapping, rapid speech. As someone who does a lot of extreme sports, this does appeal to me in some way. I like being able to push my limits, and I like the encouragement of “push, push, push” from the instructors as a result. Being in the pose for a shorter time also allows me to extend past my limits more often too.
Now, let’s look at the facilities. I know that different studios have different facilities, obviously, but based on my experiences at Moksha Waterloo and North York, there are usually similarities. I’ve only been to the one studio in Kitchener for Bikram, so this is based purely on that. I find both Moksha and Bikram’s studios to be very sanitary, calming and inviting. There is the usual lounge area, a place to put shoes, teachers sitting behind the counter to talk to…so on. Moksha offers tea, Bikram offers smoothies. Both are rejuvenating in their own way, although I find post Moksha, the lounge is often a resting kind of place where everyone is in their zen mode sipping tea. For Bikram, I find it a place where people are re-energizing themselves with zinging smoothies, engaging in animated discussions, and so forth.
What I do like about Bikram, is the amount of care they take in offering toiletries. The Kitchener studio is equipped with cotton pads, tampons/pads, elastic bands, q-tips, moisturizer, bags for wet clothes and toner. There’s even tissues inside the practice room for anyone who gets a runny nose during practice (and we all know we do!). Even the soaps they offer are the ones on sale, so we get the opportunity to test them out. Moksha offers the basic soap, and sometimes a hair dryer, but not much else that I have witnessed thus far (Update: The Waterloo Studio has been improving their facilities to include more toiletries such as hair ties and q-tips). I don’t think Bikram is quite as green friendly with their freebies though…Moksha certainly promotes green lifestyle a lot. On the other hand, Bikram offers lockers to store valuables (Moksha North York has lockers but they are little hard to notice). In a perfect yogi world, no one would steal…unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect yogi world. I did feel a little thrown off when I saw them though, since I’ve often trusted my purse to just sit in the changeroom and that no one would touch it in Moksha. Seeing the lockers kind of brought out a sense of distrust that I dislike having in such a peaceful setting. Nonetheless…I took advantage of them.
As for the practice rooms themselves, Bikram organizes the floor with lines so that everyone is in neat rows. I suppose that’s efficient use of the space, but I certainly prefer the organic “choose your own space and be considerate of your neighbours” approach that Moksha has. I do enjoy Bikram’s softer floor though. I’m not quite sure how it’s done, but the wood jut feels a tad softer (maybe it’s cushioned underneath), which allows for an easier rooting into the ground for standing poses. I’m not quite sure about the platform that the teacher stands on though…I never like the pedestal effect of the teacher/student thing, and it’s not like they can demonstrate a lot of the moves on the tiny space anyhow. The teacher often gets off and walks around though, which is good. Bikram Kitchener (and any yoga studio) really should get some dimmers though. Lying in savasana and then suddenly I’m blinded by fluorescent lights is a TERRIBLE thing to undergo.
The aftermath? Like any rigorous exercise, I certainly get sore muscles after practicing Bikram. Stretching and pushing my muscles to their maximum really leaves me stiff, especially in my back for back bends. I can go pretty far back, but there’s something in the contraction of the spine that does not really feel “free” at all afterward. I would love a workshop on backbends someday; seen them offered at conferences. But I digress. Sometimes, I have felt sore from Moksha, but that’s more from my own desire to push harder instead of listening to my body. Recently, I’ve been paying more attention to that subtle communication for Moksha. In Bikram, I certainly am straining to my limits based on the encouragement of the instructors. In general, I’m alright with sore muscles; I’m used to them from my Judo days. Not in my back though…never in the back thanks. Massage needed post class please.
At the end of the day, do I prefer one over the other? I don’t think so. Perhaps because of history, I may say I would practice Moksha more often, but Bikram certainly approaches yoga in this intense way that the extremist in me goes “Yes! Yes!” I think an incorporation of both is healthy to any practice. We learn different things in different styles, and that furthers our development as yoga practitioners.
UPDATE May 2011:
I have noticed on my dashboard that this post is currently the most viewed. If you have a few minutes, would you please share your comments with me? I would really appreciate it, since it would tell me whether this little blog has helped you or not. Or, feel free to share your Moksha or Bikram experiences with me. I am limited to my own hometown, and some other studios around Toronto and Ottawa, and would welcome any recommendation! Thank you!
After annoying my family with my picky eating habits and know-it-all facts at the dinner table, tearing my hair out at parties, driving waiters and chefs crazy at restaurants, it is the end. Two weeks of community detox is effectively over, at least the iron clad rules of it are finished. As for my new lifestyle, this detox is only the beginning.
I think the most difficult part of the challenge was maintaining a balanced diet. There actually are an incredible amount of treats available while on a detox – nuts, Larabars, Vega bars, coconut macaroons, raw chocolate pudding to name a few. Nuts are the worst; with their small shapes and tastiness, they were like the french fries of healthy food. Only near the end of my second week did I learn that I’m only supposed to have about one handful a day (thanks “Skinny Bitch”). I certainly had more. Now, I am more aware of what nut overdose is so I am keeping the portions closer to one handful – including Larabars (dang).
I did have my cheat days, as I have admitted. The good thing is, those junk foods certainly do not taste as good as they do in my head anymore. And even if they did taste good, the aftermath was rather devastating. Days of bloating, terrible gas and just a general ill feeling. Those symptoms are certainly enough to help avoid these “treats” in the future, which I definitely need when it comes to drinking. The one thing this detox has not eliminated is the cravings of beer and wine. Even today I nearly celebrated with a beer after smelling it from the drinks of friends. I am doing everything within my will to only have it on special occasions, and not as a casual thing. I know it will be better for my health in the long run. I just try to remember the bloating I had from the one beer I drank during the detox. Hopefully rationale will triumph over emotions/cravings.
Rest. I think the biggest downfall of the detox for me is my lack of sleep and high stress. I don’t think my body was able to shed toxins at its full potential because its defense mechanisms were on and holding onto everything to protect my body, even if it is toxins. I’m considering a full fast to detox my body in the next weeks, perhaps in that short period I’ll be able to listen to my needs.
Did it feel like a chore? No, not really. I had more rules in place, but I also have been trying to eat like this for a long time; as a result, I was a little more used to the diet. I guess I’m fortunate in not having to make such a huge transition. Now that I’m done, will I just go back to my old habits? Of course not! The purpose of this detox is not just a two week “task”, but rather an introduction to a new lifestyle. Even Vibrant Living (the organizers of this event) has a follow up email detailing how to slowly reintroduce old foods back into my life, and encouraging us to take note of any effects it has on the body. Like I said before, they may not even be enjoyable anymore. I just like getting my soy back. For vegans, it’s a staple protein.
I said in my first post about the detox that this was a good way to slowly ease me into the transition of going raw, and unavoidably, vegan. Even now, I am still researching this particular diet and determining its pros and cons. I do acknowledge that raw food is a livelier food, which is in general healthier. When I look at cooked vegetables now, I actually don’t even see them as appetizing; they look wilted and dead. Being vegan is also partially because of my new perspective/knowledge on slaughterhouses, hormones, chemicals and whatever else that destroys what we eat. I still crave meat, but when certain images float into my head, I am able to resist. I know I cannot change the world, but I can do my own part.
My belief is that in going raw or vegan, a balanced way is to go about 75-90%. The last thing I want to do is crash, be so hardcore as to inconvenience everyone, or deny myself certain nutrients (I know vegans lack B12 for one thing). Most research I’ve done suggests this, and I think it’s fair. There’s no need to be extremist about it. After all, I do like meat… And I, of course, will continue to research until I have satisfactory answers. Stay tuned.
My body is ready for a change to improve my health, and I think I’m finally strong enough to tackle this challenge…wish me luck.
The past couple of moksha yoga classes, I’ve been finding myself needing more zen time before leaving the studio. So I have been hanging around the lounge area of the North York studio after every class with a cup of tea and a yoga journal magazine.
Like the Murphy’s Law to every cynic, I found myself facing an article about the art of “Feeling Joy for Others”, or mudita. I would quote the article directly, except that I cannot remember it exactly and there are too many writings about this particular topic; let’s say that I’m inspired by all these articles. Whether we deny it or not (because all of us want to believe we’re inherently good people), I think that it is often very common to feel envy and/or jealousy towards a loved one when they achieve something great. I struggle with watching my younger siblings surpass me in a certain talent, or grit my teeth a bit when another long single friend finds a partner. We feel resentful towards others’ successes, and a strange delight when they fail. Oh come on, don’t tell me you haven’t felt at least the tiniest inkling of this at some point in your life. Alright…forget friends, I’m certain we thrive on the misfortune of our competition and enemies at some point, right?
What has the world come to? No wonder we are starting wars…we thrive on the misfortunes of others. That’s why tabloids are so popular. For those of us (I included) who declare righteousness in never touching that stuff, we are guilty of our own self-written tabloid stories…
Mudita, or “joy” in sanskrit, undoes this toxic way of thinking by introducing us to the idea of feeling love, joy and happiness for others – praise for their successes. There is no long term benefits in the brief moments of vicious triumph at someone else’s failure. It is destructive to the self-esteem. Instead, focus on cultivating boundless amounts of joy for life’s gifts and the miracles that the world presents, regardless of the recipient. Sounds wishy-washy? This is not just a yoga/hippy/super optimist mantra. The concept of “happiness beginning with me”, “staying above the line” or other similar ideas have been part of leadership courses, business courses and other major developmental teachings all over the world. Many of them are professional training facilities. I’ve been in a couple. Once we get past all the terminology, it all comes back to the same principle. Cultivating our own joy by feeling joy towards others. Give and ye shall receive…
Once that’s all been said, putting it into practice is far harder. What I find is that, like tackling a food craving, when I feel negative emotions towards someone, I go through this logical process of telling myself to be joyful without the actual emotion occurring. It’s very, very difficult to counteract a reaction that comes so naturally. I can tell myself “mudita” all I want, but sometimes my initial response is anything but. However, being aware of this issue is already a huge step in the right direction. If nothing else, to consciously move in the direction of mudita means that my behaviour around the target person will be less hostile; I am likely resting in a more neutral state because I’m going through the same mental dialogue that I have with cravings (See my post on cravings for details).
I find that taking deep breaths really helps. It does not have to be meditative or yoga-like. When feelings like this emerge, take one minute (that’s right, one) to breathe in and out slowly 10 times. Let your lungs expand everywhere, and on the exhalation, just release all tension. Focus on the shoulders, because next to the pelvis, it’s where we hold the most tension. If no one is watching, perhaps scrunch your shoulders up towards your ears on your inhale, so that you let them drop completely on the exhale. The change in tension is amazing…really.
Life isn’t easy. In fact, life’s a bitch. But why let it get any harder for us by channeling even more negativity? Let’s slap it hard with joy. Mudita. Petty emotions are only short lived bursts anyway. Like drugs, they’ll just get worse. Right now, I am actively working hard of purging myself of this toxin. And hopefully one day I will reach that ideal. Until then, I will keep the mantra in my head. Mudita.
On the evening of Monday night, I get the most interesting message on Facebook- a request to substitute an actor in the MT Space’s “Seasons of Immigration”. They were performing excerpts at a conference. I love the show both times I’ve seen it over the last 5 years, so despite the fact we only had one rehearsal in the morning, and then we perform at night, I jumped at the chance. Thus, a small wave of stress followed where I memorized as much of the script as I could the night before and prepped myself for a very, VERY intense rehearsal the next day. The piece is heavily immersed in physical theatre, and so even a script is a vague guideline at best for the amount of actions that occur for every line.
With the speed and urgency I had to learn the movement and the lines, I had no time to consider or interpret my actions as I carried through rehearsal that day. I just took whatever I was given, and then delivered it back with whatever energy I had. What I discovered, in those 12 hours, is a freedom of performance that all of us actors seek all the time, and I think few of us achieve. We spend so much time pouring over our lines, memorizing, analyzing, actioning, and whatever labours we believe would constitute a good performance, that I think oftentimes we lose the meaning of being present in performing. There are so many times where I speak lines, and they feel strange or mechanical in my mouth, and my actions feel robotic. I’m always fighting that automation of body when acting, and this last minute performance brought that freedom out in me.
I had no time to think about the quality of my moves before I’m trying to get to my next positions and/or speak my lines. And so I had to just give whatever I could at those brief moments; I had to stay extremely present in order to be aware of the next steps, and that created a sense of humanity in the character I played. Instead of being lost in my mind of judging my current moves, I was acting and reacting more impulsively like what “regular” people do. What a surprise, huh? Amazing how the most vital thing to us as actors is how to behave like a normal person…
I am so grateful that I received this opportunity, if not but for that pure experience of being alive in performance. Not only has it been awhile since I’ve performed something new, but also that I was able to embrace it so fully and without premonitions and contemplations. I have always sought to experience the moment of “now”, of presentness, and I found it with “Seasons”. I was able to just give everything I had. No holding back because I think something I do will “look bad”. No barriers set in place by fear. Just giving.
Performing is about giving, and when we are locked in our own process of assessment, what energies do we have left to give to an audience?
It’s a wee bit frightening when the one day I do not post a blog I get no views at all! I wonder who is reading? Do send me a small comment when you have a moment! That way, I know who you lovely people are!
Working Logo
Now, the reason why I didn’t write is because after a night of partying, performing, socializing, eating and drinking, I could do nothing else but crash when I arrived home. Believe me, I tried. I fell asleep sitting at the computer. Such is the life when you are the chair of the committee that organized the event. Welcome TELL, a project started at The MT Space to allow artists and community to socialize, network and showcase their talents! It does not even have to be a formal performance. Artists with a new idea are invited to share them with the audience for feedback. Last night, we had everything from prepared performances to developing ideas. It was fabulous. I was so impressed by the variety of artistic submissions as well – visual art, poetry, acting, singing. Sometimes in a showcase/performance setting we often are privy to lots of singers, but rarely poetry readings or theatre pieces. I think it’s because a song is structured with certain time frames and is usually considered the most “entertaining” in a social setting. I think it’s incredibly brave (not excluding singers!) when someone goes up and performs a poem, monologue, or excerpts of theatrical pieces, because then they are facing certain gaps and silences that does not typically happen with singing. And while I am far more terrified of singing in front of an audience than acting, I think it’s more difficult to be engaged in theatrical performance when we aren’t there to necessary sit through theatre; so the actors work much harder to engage.
The amount of local talent that we have is so unbelievable. What they say about Kitchener Waterloo being a black hole for the arts, excuse my french, is bullshit. We are so culturally and artistically diverse, and last night’s displays were testament to such. We have been shadowed by the Toronto and Stratford scene for too long. It’s time to take it back. We already have started – The national theatre festival Magnetic North chose our city as this year’s designation to showcase works from all across Canada. This is just the beginning folks, there is so much more to come. We have one of the country’s top universities (University of Waterloo), and we have RIM (Blackberry) to name a couple, and now we have our arts.
David Jackson performing original music
What made this night so amazing though, is the interaction and creation of one large community. People had to remove their shoes when they entered. The floor is covered in blankets and pillows. People settle down together and move around organically throughout the night to get food and drink. Think of a giant picnic. There is no awkward silence here, nor a lone artist/spectator hiding in a corner. The black box studio is not a large space, and we artists are not ones to ever leave people hanging alone. At least such was my goal. This night was one where any existing barrier between artists and audience went down, competition didn’t exist and there was nothing more than opportunities, friendships, cultivation and love. Isn’t that why we perform? To share? Sometimes we are so bogged down to “make it”, get famous, get a job, that we become cold, suspicious and selfish in our process of trying to achieve these goals. And sometimes as audience members we place the performers on an elevated stage (the movie star system anyone?) or separate them from who they are offstage. TELL is not about that. It’s about creating new stories together, at least for one night. PS. For anyone following me on my detox, I let it go for the night. Shhh…
Art, food, drink and love. What else could anyone else want?
I suppose this blog would be incomplete if I didn’t write a “First Post!” style entry, right?
I debated whether to unleash my resume/profile/introduction in this post, and I don’t think I will. I think my future blogging will reveal what kind of person I am and what I do…
Who am I kidding? I can never resist a change to introduce myself – this is my personal ego talking. I promise to not bore you too much and keep it as pithy as possible.
Ahem.
My name is Miroki. I am an actor, but I prefer to say more often an artist, because I do not like feeling limited by the title of “actor” alone. I find the entire artistic world extremely stimulating and I always seek to explore every avenue that it offers to me. And I realized that I want to share this exploration with you.
Do you see where the title Jack of All Trades (or my self-titled Jacques of Trades) comes from? No matter what diplomas I get, what certificates I get, I always seem to find something new to “excel” in. So far, I am not starving, so I will continue to explore until the day realism kicks in and forces me to get a 9-5 job, or until I figure out what exactly I want to do with my life.
Until then, please enjoy the journey with me.
JoT - The Bric-a-Bracs of a "Jacques of Trades" 