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When I was a child, I was the only Chinese, if not only the Asian kid in a school filled to the brim with white, Catholic kids. In that time, growing up in a small, German centric city, diversity was hardly celebrated, especially if you happened to be a smart kid that somehow still had trouble speaking English. Racist bullying was part of my everyday life.
Through my younger years, I have experienced various forms of bullying, ostracism and just general rejection. The criteria stemmed around my race, name, gender, weight, interests, intellect and personality. In the latter years, my personality appeared to be the defining factor (although to say personality alone would be simplifying the matter, for we all know that the facets of who we are, such as race and gender often influence how our personalities are received).
Hmmm…well aren’t you a unique one?
To say everyone has a unique personality is cliché. But even within every unique personality, are social groupings of which more similar personalities tend to gather. As we approach adulthood, we learn (hopefully) to communicate with a whole variety of personalities, and positively interact and work with them. However, usually in our social circles, we still deviate towards those who share similar interests and have complimentary/complementary personalities.
It took over two decades, but after many, many years of truly thinking something was wrong with my personality (and to be honest, I probably had some rough edges that needed refining, but what person doesn’t?), I have a wonderful circle of friends who would put themselves on the line for me, and me for them. Unconditional friendship was not something I had until recent years, but well worth the wait.
What I have learned about myself throughout the years though, is that I truly rarely ever fully belonged in one particular social group. Yes, I know all of us tend to interact with more than just one, but I was, in every sense, a drifter. There were a series of circumstances that often landed me in this position (Highschool: I was in a specialized program, but exemption from some courses allowed me freedom to pursue open classes – University: I started a term later than everyone else, and also was in a combined program, so I spent less time in the theatre department than the average student), and also my wide berth of interests, businesses and other circles.
Sometimes I sat on the periphery due to the social awkwardness of my young adult years (more on that some other day, perhaps), and sometimes because I felt dissociated since I would not be up to date with their conversations because of my absences. Reasons could be various, but there you have it.
As I entered the workforce, I learned more about myself. The sheer amount of racism, bullying and ostracism in my youth made me incredibly sensitive to these social situations, even when unintentional. It also tended to foster a sense of insecurity and mistrust towards peers. I have since grown, developed confidence and also a conscious understanding of my own interpretations; becoming self aware has allowed me to approach the world in a bolder manner without the negative “spotlight” effect. Also, in the workforce, I realized that I did not need to be accepted or liked by everyone; it would be nice, but first and foremost I had to do my job properly and with integrity. Years as a producer has also taught me the joys and pains of managing and leading a team in favour of an end goal. In such a position, one simply cannot always be friends with everyone.
Why am I addressing this now? Because I went back to school. As some of you may know, I am currently pursuing my MBA part time. Since then, I have noticed many tropes of my highschool/undergraduate days surfacing once again. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, but I had optimistically assumed that as mature adults, such patterns should no longer exist.
To be honest, it’s nowhere as bad as I make it out to be. We ARE more mature. We ARE adults. Most of us have learned the skills to communicate and also resolve conflicts professionally. Rarely does the situation ever occur where a situation escalates beyond control, if ever. However, I still notice the undercurrents. I suppose such currents always exist in society, no matter where we go; humanity is, after all, an ever constant dictator. However, in a school setting, the social situations are condensed and augmented, and we are encouraged (forced) to interact with each other in manners beyond mere professionalism.
Stand out. Be proud.
Once again, I have noticed myself as the wandering soul. I get along with everyone fine, but I often find myself on my own during class breaks, and more recently, unable to find a group to work with on team projects. I have noticed that groups tended to reform around people who have worked together in previous terms. Somehow, I do not fit amongst any of the groups that I have worked with prior.
Of course I feel hurt. Who does not want to feel like they belong? But I recognize that this has been an aspect of myself since youth. I am a bit of an outsider. But to those who feel that way sometimes, to be so unique is not a crime. I recognize in adulthood that there are people who love me just as I am, and that there is a world and social life outside of school. I see the opportunities in constantly working with new groups and exploring new dynamics because I do not (or cannot) get caught up in creatures of habit. Beyond that, I pave a path that is designed for my life, and that makes me a leader.
And so when I leave the classrooms now, I hold my head high, I smile and laugh with my colleagues as I say goodbye, and walk with a bounce to my step. In the shadows of my heart, I can feel my adolescent self wanting to curl her shoulders and scowl. I don’t think she will ever go away, and frankly, I don’t want to forget. To remember is to be aware of my growth, to be compassionate to myself and others, and to be conscious of the world around me. And the world is mine.
Climbing the toadstool rocks of Iceland...no there was no easy way up there! Yes, we can do anything we set our minds to!
Strangest thing…I had been planning my next post all of last week…and now I cannot remember for the life of me what had I wanted to write about. Why? Because a new thought wormed its way into my mind earlier this week, and has prevailed there for the last few days, growing in strength until I decided I would write on it…or vent on it, however it exits my brain through my fingers.
Sometimes, our worst enemies is ourselves. We are our own obstacles in the journey towards success, greatness, happiness…etc. We are creatures of comfort, and we don’t like change. In fact, I think we actively resist change because it may turn our world upside down. We are not the strongest creatures of this planet, and so we do whatever we can to survive. And when there’s change, I guess we read it as a risky situation where we may not survive. When the first scientists suggested that the Earth was round, the concept was laughable. The recent idea that cow’s milk actually does not provide calcium for the body, and is in fact not very good for consumption, met with fire. It still is under fire.
You get the idea.
This past week, I have been looking at myself, and where I want to go. I also have been talking with many people regarding success in life. What conclusions I drew from both my own reflections and my interactions with others, is that the reason why many of us live an eternally gray life, and a life with many wishes but very little accomplishment, is because we are afraid to step forward and take the plunge.
I want to be slimmer, but I think I have held onto greater weight for so long, that it doesn’t want to let it go. Someone wants to make money, but when offered a promising position that is different from their regular jobs, they declare that they don’t have the time to train. Someone is extremely ill, but when offered something safe that will help, say they would rather stick to only what the doctor prescribed. Someone has a very unhappy home life, but will not leave even though they are financially stable enough to. Someone wants to move forward in life, but keeps reattaching him/herself to past affiliations that have never brought forth anything positive.
These are the stories that I have seen circulating my life. And after metaphorically smacking my head into the table, I decided that I would rather write it about to impart my opinion on this issue. Healthier than head smacking.
To be successful, we have to be receptive. To be successful, we have to be innovative. To be successful, we have to look forward. If we keep looking backward, we will never see the plethora of opportunities that always open up before us. I remember once reading that opportunities present themselves to everyone all the time. Those who are successful, are the ones who recognize them and grab onto them. We cannot do that if we are always hanging onto the past.
Quoting a passage I’ve been reading from a book by Napoleon Hill, “That is one of the tricks of opportunity. It has a sly habit of slipping in by the back door, and often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Perhaps this is why so many fail to recognize opportunity.”
Don’t let that happen to you. Allow me to share a quick story of a recent happening.
I don't think I even talked about the body this week! Oh well! Here is the progress! :3
Because I had left my job at the health food store, and spending more time as a film actor (fantastic, but not yet money making), I knew that I needed to look for a new job in Toronto. In the last few weeks, I had been slapping resumes down at coffee shops, stores and anything else that would help cover my increasing bills. One particular job I kept hounding was the 5am task job shift at Chapters. I called, applied online, applied in-store, and called the store numerous times with the hope of getting an interview. Between the manager always never being in the store, going away twice and not returning my messages, I was desolate, yet remaining every stubborn to conquer the position.
Then one day, as I was lamenting my situation to a friend, she said to me, “Have you checked Work in Culture lately?”
I shook my head, telling her that while it was a great website offering jobs in arts and culture (and I recommend that anyone wanting to work in the arts to use it!), they were often admin positions that took up too much of my time to perform.
Yet, that night, I decided to take a look anyway. I scrolled through the typical positions of “Volunteer Coordinator”, “Marketing Manger”, “Receptionist” and suddenly a position said, “Host/Announcer”. Now…while not typical to film acting, stage acting or voice acting, I thought that this was something that I could sink my teeth into. Being a host or announcer has its own challenges as a performer, including thinking on one’s feet, improvising and interacting with an audience. I decided to submit.
Within one day, I interviewed/auditioned and landed the position. I will now be on tour with the company for 2 months, all expenses paid, salary and bonus for working multiple shows. And just when I was beginning to feel the sinking feeling of being broke…who knew?
Sometimes, we need to break out of the boxes that we place ourselves into. Whether it is our opinion of ourselves, what we think our skills are, or what we think is the direction we should take for our careers. Let’s all break out of the fog. Change is frightening, I know. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Then do it anyway.
Don’t forget to check on the past entries of my journey:
I have much to write about in regards to my month long trip in China/Hong Kong, and I have been taking an absurd amount of notes that I can compile into something great for you, but I came across this quotation on the cover of an interior design/architecture mag whilst browsing in a book store, and I thought I’d share it with you in the meantime.
Please enjoy.
| If poetry is about love | |
| and art is about love | |
| and theatre is about love | |
| and if opera is about love… | |
| why do we think design is about… | |
| functionality? | |
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~Marcel Wanders |
I am strangely awake on this late Monday night, despite many nights of no sleep, so I will take advantage of this opportunity to tackle many unfinished tasks, and also write my ramble on MT Space’s Last 15 Seconds while it’s still reasonably fresh.
This is my second experience of this performance, not including witnessing their workshops and rehearsals, and it has been a journey. I think there is nothing more fascinating than watching the progression of a production, noticing its changes and engaging in the conversation of the choices made. Some notable changes this time is the great new stage painting that reflects the video effects and also adds depth to the space. Changes that I noticed most in the performance itself is the slowing down of many movements. Whether that increases the punch of the particular actions, that’s up the audience I suppose.
What is amazing (or depressing), is that 2 years since its conception, and a decade since 9/11, that this work is still relevant in our society and world. In all art, we worry about the day our pieces become obsolete, and then we seek to create new work. That Last 15 Seconds continues to speak to the politics/economy/society of today’s audience is valuable, even if we as humans desire for it not to be the case.
"Last 15 Seconds" - The MT Space
I am told that many middle-eastern audience men often approach Trevor Copp post performance to tell him how much they understood his character, and how they connected with him. In fact, I’m certain my sister’s boyfriend was one such audience member. I guess my question is…why? Is Trevor not playing Rawad Abed the suicide bomber? Yes, the show seeks to present both sides of the story, the killer and the killed, but do we truly want to make it neutral? Can we even make it neutral? Do we want to eliminate the intrinsically “evilness” of his final deed? Of course, some may argue this point, which is fair enough. Personally, I’m always against any form of what I seem total warfare, which I define as war that involves the deliberate inclusion of innocents or bystanders (yes, the atom bomb counts). Back to the points…Are we trying to justify Rawad in any way? Is that our right?
The story, themes and cultural issues presented by The Last 15 Seconds is of an extremely sensitive nature, and ultimate kudos to them for being able to present as successfully as they have been doing for the last 2 years. One particular aspect that works so well for me is the overlap of the cast as the families of both Filmmaker Mustapha Akkad and Bomber Raward Abed. For me, it symbolizes the connections between all of us as humans, whether it is between cultures, countries, and so on. And how do we feel when our family dies?
Last 15 Seconds closed tonight at the Magnetic North Theatre Festival, but there will be tours coming in the future. So stay tuned.
This is my fourth attempt writing a mental blurb on Homage. Every time I have fallen asleep at the computer before I have gotten it done due to sheer exhaustion. One other time the blurb erased itself…this will be my final attempt. If I fail again, clearly this was never meant to be. In some sense, I’m grateful. The last few attempts I have tried to structure it more formally, think of it more intellectually. But I certainly have reached a level where this may just be nothing but mad stream of consciousness.
Homage, presented by 2b theatre in Halifax at the Magnetic North Theatre Festival these past few days (closed Sunday) was one of the more conventional styles of theatre presented at the festival thus far. At least seen by me anyways. In comparison to Mump & Smoot, Norman and Last 15 Seconds, Homage had a linear storyline, more naturalistic and generally a fourth wall. I think that made it easier for me to absorb, and I was able to involve myself on a more emotional level.
"Homage" by 2b theatre
One thing that intrigued me was Anthony Black’s choice to write the piece over a span of 30 years. I asked him if he ever wondered if he would alienate the audience with the shorter scenes and the speedy passages through time. It was interesting how he said that originally they were going to put an intermission between the surge forward in time. I think that would have made the transition easier, but it certainly would have eliminated the powerful tension of Ms. Barbara Gordon’s action of taking the birthday cake across the stage with 82 yrs displayed upon it. Mr. Black said that the burden lay upon her back, and it truly did. I think it’s those kind of moments is what makes theatre so gripping, so I respect the choice he made.
While there was a lot of emotional strength to the piece, it is not without its intellectual inquiries. Homage is a piece about the creation and destruction of art, and its relationship to the artist, audience and client. what is the value of art to an artist? To its audience? Does changing the environment around a large art installation really destroy the experience to an audience who does not know what they are expecting? Do we, as artists, have a “moral right” to our pieces? Is that enough for legal action? How do we take something that is intangible, spiritually and emotionally based, and put it on a piece of paper to argue against a corporation?
To me, as an artist, and perhaps to many of us, our rights are obvious. But perhaps to another world, not as much. As one saying goes, “What works for most people, does not work for artists.” How do we bridge that communication? When can the business/corporate/legal/pragmatic/sane/observant world finally bond with the arts?
If you missed Homage at Magnetic North, you can still catch it at Luminato at Harbourfront, Toronto. It is certainly worth the visit. I didn’t talk about it much, but their large wooden set reminiscent of Stonehenge, stunning light design (believe me, I know nothing of lights, so if I notice there’s something going on) and a beautiful story of growth, gain and loss is something to behold.
The past couple of moksha yoga classes, I’ve been finding myself needing more zen time before leaving the studio. So I have been hanging around the lounge area of the North York studio after every class with a cup of tea and a yoga journal magazine.
Like the Murphy’s Law to every cynic, I found myself facing an article about the art of “Feeling Joy for Others”, or mudita. I would quote the article directly, except that I cannot remember it exactly and there are too many writings about this particular topic; let’s say that I’m inspired by all these articles. Whether we deny it or not (because all of us want to believe we’re inherently good people), I think that it is often very common to feel envy and/or jealousy towards a loved one when they achieve something great. I struggle with watching my younger siblings surpass me in a certain talent, or grit my teeth a bit when another long single friend finds a partner. We feel resentful towards others’ successes, and a strange delight when they fail. Oh come on, don’t tell me you haven’t felt at least the tiniest inkling of this at some point in your life. Alright…forget friends, I’m certain we thrive on the misfortune of our competition and enemies at some point, right?
What has the world come to? No wonder we are starting wars…we thrive on the misfortunes of others. That’s why tabloids are so popular. For those of us (I included) who declare righteousness in never touching that stuff, we are guilty of our own self-written tabloid stories…
Mudita, or “joy” in sanskrit, undoes this toxic way of thinking by introducing us to the idea of feeling love, joy and happiness for others – praise for their successes. There is no long term benefits in the brief moments of vicious triumph at someone else’s failure. It is destructive to the self-esteem. Instead, focus on cultivating boundless amounts of joy for life’s gifts and the miracles that the world presents, regardless of the recipient. Sounds wishy-washy? This is not just a yoga/hippy/super optimist mantra. The concept of “happiness beginning with me”, “staying above the line” or other similar ideas have been part of leadership courses, business courses and other major developmental teachings all over the world. Many of them are professional training facilities. I’ve been in a couple. Once we get past all the terminology, it all comes back to the same principle. Cultivating our own joy by feeling joy towards others. Give and ye shall receive…
Once that’s all been said, putting it into practice is far harder. What I find is that, like tackling a food craving, when I feel negative emotions towards someone, I go through this logical process of telling myself to be joyful without the actual emotion occurring. It’s very, very difficult to counteract a reaction that comes so naturally. I can tell myself “mudita” all I want, but sometimes my initial response is anything but. However, being aware of this issue is already a huge step in the right direction. If nothing else, to consciously move in the direction of mudita means that my behaviour around the target person will be less hostile; I am likely resting in a more neutral state because I’m going through the same mental dialogue that I have with cravings (See my post on cravings for details).
I find that taking deep breaths really helps. It does not have to be meditative or yoga-like. When feelings like this emerge, take one minute (that’s right, one) to breathe in and out slowly 10 times. Let your lungs expand everywhere, and on the exhalation, just release all tension. Focus on the shoulders, because next to the pelvis, it’s where we hold the most tension. If no one is watching, perhaps scrunch your shoulders up towards your ears on your inhale, so that you let them drop completely on the exhale. The change in tension is amazing…really.
Life isn’t easy. In fact, life’s a bitch. But why let it get any harder for us by channeling even more negativity? Let’s slap it hard with joy. Mudita. Petty emotions are only short lived bursts anyway. Like drugs, they’ll just get worse. Right now, I am actively working hard of purging myself of this toxin. And hopefully one day I will reach that ideal. Until then, I will keep the mantra in my head. Mudita.
It’s a wee bit frightening when the one day I do not post a blog I get no views at all! I wonder who is reading? Do send me a small comment when you have a moment! That way, I know who you lovely people are!
Working Logo
Now, the reason why I didn’t write is because after a night of partying, performing, socializing, eating and drinking, I could do nothing else but crash when I arrived home. Believe me, I tried. I fell asleep sitting at the computer. Such is the life when you are the chair of the committee that organized the event. Welcome TELL, a project started at The MT Space to allow artists and community to socialize, network and showcase their talents! It does not even have to be a formal performance. Artists with a new idea are invited to share them with the audience for feedback. Last night, we had everything from prepared performances to developing ideas. It was fabulous. I was so impressed by the variety of artistic submissions as well – visual art, poetry, acting, singing. Sometimes in a showcase/performance setting we often are privy to lots of singers, but rarely poetry readings or theatre pieces. I think it’s because a song is structured with certain time frames and is usually considered the most “entertaining” in a social setting. I think it’s incredibly brave (not excluding singers!) when someone goes up and performs a poem, monologue, or excerpts of theatrical pieces, because then they are facing certain gaps and silences that does not typically happen with singing. And while I am far more terrified of singing in front of an audience than acting, I think it’s more difficult to be engaged in theatrical performance when we aren’t there to necessary sit through theatre; so the actors work much harder to engage.
The amount of local talent that we have is so unbelievable. What they say about Kitchener Waterloo being a black hole for the arts, excuse my french, is bullshit. We are so culturally and artistically diverse, and last night’s displays were testament to such. We have been shadowed by the Toronto and Stratford scene for too long. It’s time to take it back. We already have started – The national theatre festival Magnetic North chose our city as this year’s designation to showcase works from all across Canada. This is just the beginning folks, there is so much more to come. We have one of the country’s top universities (University of Waterloo), and we have RIM (Blackberry) to name a couple, and now we have our arts.
David Jackson performing original music
What made this night so amazing though, is the interaction and creation of one large community. People had to remove their shoes when they entered. The floor is covered in blankets and pillows. People settle down together and move around organically throughout the night to get food and drink. Think of a giant picnic. There is no awkward silence here, nor a lone artist/spectator hiding in a corner. The black box studio is not a large space, and we artists are not ones to ever leave people hanging alone. At least such was my goal. This night was one where any existing barrier between artists and audience went down, competition didn’t exist and there was nothing more than opportunities, friendships, cultivation and love. Isn’t that why we perform? To share? Sometimes we are so bogged down to “make it”, get famous, get a job, that we become cold, suspicious and selfish in our process of trying to achieve these goals. And sometimes as audience members we place the performers on an elevated stage (the movie star system anyone?) or separate them from who they are offstage. TELL is not about that. It’s about creating new stories together, at least for one night. PS. For anyone following me on my detox, I let it go for the night. Shhh…
Art, food, drink and love. What else could anyone else want?
I suppose this blog would be incomplete if I didn’t write a “First Post!” style entry, right?
I debated whether to unleash my resume/profile/introduction in this post, and I don’t think I will. I think my future blogging will reveal what kind of person I am and what I do…
Who am I kidding? I can never resist a change to introduce myself – this is my personal ego talking. I promise to not bore you too much and keep it as pithy as possible.
Ahem.
My name is Miroki. I am an actor, but I prefer to say more often an artist, because I do not like feeling limited by the title of “actor” alone. I find the entire artistic world extremely stimulating and I always seek to explore every avenue that it offers to me. And I realized that I want to share this exploration with you.
Do you see where the title Jack of All Trades (or my self-titled Jacques of Trades) comes from? No matter what diplomas I get, what certificates I get, I always seem to find something new to “excel” in. So far, I am not starving, so I will continue to explore until the day realism kicks in and forces me to get a 9-5 job, or until I figure out what exactly I want to do with my life.
Until then, please enjoy the journey with me.
JoT - The Bric-a-Bracs of a "Jacques of Trades" 